Let’s review and grade this bro king’s sales pitch:
1) "I have two Diamond Club tickets for Friday’s opening Playoff game"
- If you’re just a normal guy, and plan on selling two girls on a threesome, they better be A) So drunk they can’t see five feet in front of them .. or, B) You better have one HELL of a bribe. A lot of us know that “The Diamond Club” is just a fancy name for seats behind the plate at Nationals Park, but, as always: it’s all about the delivery. DIAMOND CLUB. Think about it, what does every woman want? Answer: A diamond on their finger. While attending a baseball game is not the same thing as marriage, proposing a business transaction to a woman, using the word DIAMOND will ALWAYS get you one step ahead. Even if you don’t believe this to be good reasoning, these seats are currently going for $500 a piece on StubHub — this is a competitive price for a somewhat decent hooker in Vegas, is it not? Grade: A+.
2) "The Tickets include all you can drink beer & wine, as well as all-you-can-eat gourmet food"
- Girls love free shit and LOVE being catered to. In addition, if the two girls who have the threesome all-of-a-sudden start feeling self-conscious about selling their bodies for a measly $500, they can drink away their pain and will just forget it ever happened — boom, two birds … one stone. Grade: A+
3) "I am willing to part ways with these tickets to you and a friend in exchange for a threesome (women only)"
- Huge stipulation here: No matter how hot the girl is, I could never, ever “DP” the chick. I legitimately don’t understand how guys do it. The thought of crossing swords is the NOS equivalent of Nightmare Fuel. Best friend or a rando dude, I’d never be able to talk to him again. Grade: A+
4) "I am not some old, gross dude — actually 24 and athletic"
- First thing I thought of reading this was: whoever posted this probably looks like the old dude from “Big Daddy” who flips burgers at Hooters and has “Old, Wrinkly balls”. Now that you’ve cleared this up, I would feel (if i were the girls) that my chances of showing up to this dude’s apartment — being “Taken” and sold into a European Sex Trade Ring — go down significantly. Grade: A+
5) "I just can’t go to the game and don’t need the extra money, and have always wanted to take place in a threesome."
- You’re 24 and “don’t need the extra money”. This means one (if not all) of several things: Your dad is loaded, your college education was paid for by someone other than yourself, and/or you have a job that pays you too much money in regards to what you actually do. If this is the case, how on EARTH have you not had a threesome? If you are lucky enough to be brought up with such fortune, usually, you went to one of those ‘Cruel Intentions’ private schools, and are around girls like Sarah Michelle Gellar who not only want to have threesomes daily, but, weird/kinky threesomes that mess with people’s emotions. Now that I think about it, these types of private schools have threesomes so often that they have to think of ways to spice them up, because a normal threesome is simply boring. You’d figure that this guy could have at least paid for one by now — since he “doesn’t really need the extra money”. Something is amiss here … and it’s starting to make me question whether this guy is just a squid. Grade: D
6) “Please send 2-3 photos of your friend, so that I can see what we’re working with”.
- I love the mindset, bro, but take it from someone who tries to hook up on Tinder like every minute of the day… Girls have an ARSENAL of “Sunday Best” pictures. Usually 7-10. What this means is that they have 7-10 pictures of themselves that they’ll share on social media/upload to Tinder/keep in case someone bribes them with a threesome … that make them look like ten times better than they usually look. It’s like when your buddy says “Yo, i hooked up with a SMOKESHOW last night”, and you respond: “Awesome, show me a picture of her…” What does your friend do? He scrolls through her facebook pictures, and finds the best one to show you — so that you are jealous and appreciative of his achievement. Girls do the SAME THING … EVERY DAY. I want to see 25-30 pictures of the girls, not 2-3 … I need a legitimate sample size, so that when you show up to my apartment for the threesome, I think you’re going to have the attractiveness of Sofia Vergara, and don’t actually look like you fell from the Brazzers tree, and hit every branch on the way down. Grade: C-
7) “This is a no strings attached deal”
- Genius. Set the girls’ expectations early … Under-promise, Over-Deliver. The girls will think they are just showing up for a business transaction, and shouldn’t expect anything more. On the contrary, you have a “Freeroll” situation at your disposal … if they aren’t that hot, you can just get rid of them, once done … if they are hot, and you perform well/have a good time collectively — they won’t be expecting a gesture of civility — and may welcome the opportunity to “transact” again. Who says sex and business can’t mix? Grade: A.
Overall Craigslist Ad Grade: B+
I decided to host a 16-team “Best NBA Team to NOT win the title” Tournament. Here are the results — how did I do?
For years, we’ve played NBA Jam where the rosters were EITHER the current team of that season, or, the franchise’s “Legends”…
WHAT IF… We could pick the best player from the current roster AND the team’s “legend”, and play NBA Jam with them together?
In addition, what if we took all 30 NBA teams + special guest stars ‘The Seattle Supersonics’ and the ‘Vancouver Grizzlies’ — and had a “March Madness”-esque tournament?!?
Who would win?
Vote, and let’s find out!