World Wide Wob

2014 NBA Free Agents vs. Game of Thrones Characters

  1. LeBron James, Daenerys Targaryen

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-          The breaker of chains, the rightful heir to the NBA’s Iron Throne, and the leader of the league’s Unsullied legion of invincible warriors. He will take what is his — with Fire & Blood.

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2. Carmelo Anthony, Jon Snow

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-          The best at his craft of any man in the entire realm. However, as long as he’s restricted to the confines of “The Knight’s Watch” – he will never be able to showcase his talent nor will the world ever appreciate his talent and contributions.

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3. Chris Bosh, Jorah Mormont

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-          You don’t know how valuable he is — until he’s gone…

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4. Dwayne Wade, Jaime Lannister

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-          Once a world-renowned warrior and captain of the elite King’s Guard, his injuries have left his talent a shadow of its old self. Regardless of his current status, you still know his name – for good reasons and bad. In the end, they pay their debts: whether on the court or in the court [room].

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5. Dirk Nowitzki, Khal Drogo

image.-          A notorious warrior with a resume of kills as long as his ponytail. Unfortunately, the sun and stars are setting on this great warrior.

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6. Zach Randolph, Roose Bolton

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-          While most houses have a “seal” of some kind on their banners, this character might as well have the letters “DGAF” written in big, bold letters. He’s not afraid to get his lunatic, crazy bastard son (Tony Allen) involved in his affairs – and is more than willing to get his hands dirty & piss everyone off to get what he wants.

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7. Luol Deng, Mance Rayder

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-          A world-renowned “Locker Room” guy who can unite even the most radical of Wildling tribes. A former brother of the “Night’s Watch” means he knows how to defend better than anyone, but, like all past “Wildling Kings” — he will ultimately have to conquer the LeBron James Wall before anyone takes him seriously.

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8. Trevor Ariza, Podrick Payne

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-          Everyone sees him as this feeble, harmless Squire that’s made his rounds amongst King’s Landing’s lords – little did you know: he has talents that you would pay any amount of gold for.

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9. Greg Monroe, Bronn

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-          A sell-sword who gets paid double of what he’s actually worth, but, if he’d stop drinking so much and/or find some honor in fighting – every kingdom in Westeros would inquire for his services.

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10. Kyle Lowry, Prince Oberyn Martell

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-          Undersized, fleet-of-foot, yet undeniably: a talented fighter, and worthy of royalty. However, he has proven that his cocky/”me vs. the world” mentality could result in bad things – like nonchalant game-tying layups in Game 7 of the playoffs vs. mountain-sized big men.

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11. Pau Gasol, Margaery Tyrell

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-          “I want to be royalty, but, every king I’m with ends up dying or getting too old to rule — I don’t want to do any work other than just standing here and being beautiful. Who’s going to be the next king? Him? Ok, I’ll marry him – where do I sign?”

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12. Lance Stephenson, Theon Greyjoy

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-          When you try to overthrow a city with a team of 15 men who don’t respect you, you end up reeking of Flay Mignon.

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13. Chandler Parsons, Varys

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-          Need him on your small counsel, if you want to have any chance of ruling the realm – at the same time, it is essential that you don’t give him too much power

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14. Isaiah Thomas, Tyrion Lannister

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-          This little imp may be small and a physical liability in battle, but, you can’t look at me with a straight-face and say you wouldn’t want him on your team.

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15. Marcin Gortat, Hodor

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-          This doofus may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but, when needed: he protects what matters, and has the physical capacity to produce in battle.

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16. Gordon Hayward, Ygritte

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-          Just because she’s good-looking and can shoot an arrow long-distance does not mean she deserves max gold, which is about 25% of the entire Wildlings’ salary cap – yet, she’s going to get it; and the Wildlings must rely on her to overachieve during the attack on Castle Black to be in any sort of contention for victory. We all know how that went….

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17. Jeff Adrien, Ghost

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-          While this beast’s reputation is only known throughout the North, there is no denying that he can extrapolate the productivity and efficiency of any army in battle. Simply let him off the chain.

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18. Swaggy P, Court Jester at King Joffrey’s wedding

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-          If your season is going to end in despair, why not have some fun and make a fool out-of-yourself – before it’s over?

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19. Ray Allen, Walder Frey

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-          He is somewhere between “So old he should just retire” and “The Fountain of Youth”, but, ultimately: he has a particular set of skills, a neutral alliance with every king in the land, and an arsenal of weapons that every castle in Westeros would kill for – but at what price? Do not double-cross this lord, as he will hit you with a dagger from the corner, on what was supposed to be your wedding night…

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20. Andray Blatche, Drogon

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-          There are times which you watch him fight/fly and you’re like “How can anyone stop this thing?” An absolute monster that is as effective as any warrior or weapon in the seven kingdoms, until he does something absurd like swoop down, eat farmer’s sheep, incinerate their children, and reek terror on the people he’ supposed to be fighting for. The real-life version of the acronym “WTF!?”

 



In memoriam: The 2013-2014 New York Knicks

Please enjoy my “One Shining Moment” tribute to the Knicks’ season:






My MSG “I’m Coming Home” Parody Commercial, featuring Phil Jackson



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