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CONSPIRACY THEORY: The Milwaukee Bucks Will Move to Kansas City in 2017

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A completely harmless Tweet and photo of Bucks fans celebrating, with their new motto “New Era. New Energy. New Fan Squad” transposed over the people — right?

WRONG.

Let’s take a closer look…

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The Milwaukee Bucks stole a WEB STOCK, WATERMARKED PHOTO FROM SPORTING KANSAS CITY SOCCER CLUB’S WEBSITE — AND JUST THOUGHT THAT NO-ONE WOULD NOTICE.

Someone legitimately looked at this and said: “Yup, blue scarves, flags with other colors than our own on it, outdoor arena, drums … looks exactly like a Bucks home game — let’s roll with it!”

This blows my mind for several reasons:

1) I HIGHLY, HIGHLY doubt the Milwaukee Bucks hired the laziest social media/digital marketing managers on Planet Earth, who have absolutely no attention for detail. You don’t get a job in the NBA, let alone designing photoshops/images to be seen by millions of people, that are not only inaccurate … but, plagiarized. 

2) Someone not only created this, SOMEONE APPROVED IT!!! (that’s kind of how Corporate America works)

3) Why Kansas City, of all places?

There is definitely something fishy going on here … Let me explain further…

This previous May, the NBA approved the sale of the Bucks to new owners Wesley Edens and Marc Lasry for a then-NBA record $550 million. As a part of the acquisition, the NBA has the right to buy back the team for $575 million — if a new arena is not approved, built, and ready to use by November 2017.

Why would the NBA buy the team back for $575 million, you ask? Well, only because it would be valued at $1.6 Billion in another market — and that would be a $1.025 billion profit for the league/~$35 million for each of the other 29 owners.

Who would pay that price tag for a Milwaukee-based franchise? No-one.

Who would pay that price tag for the franchise, if they knew they could move it to a different city? KC … (and Seattle).

In addition to their “cheap” $550 Million purchase, Edens and Lasry have an unofficial transfer fee of “a couple hundred million” in place — in the event they want to keep the team, and just move it elsewhere.

The math: A $1.6 Billion franchise bought for ~$850 Million. That sounds like a somewhat profitable purchase to me.

Thus, my conspiracy…

Someone who knows something important messed up. This individual knows that the Bucks’ owners are not doing anything to fund a new arena in Milwaukee (because they privately want to move it and jack up their franchise’s worth) … and by the time anyone in the city realizes this fine print, it will be too late to build a new arena (because, ya know, building stadiums kinda takes time).

While the Bucks marketing department will probably play this off like: “OOPS, WE TOTES USED THE WRONG PIC” — little do you know: they are slowly/secretly getting a head start integrating professional basketball into the minds of Kansas City’s citizens.

The Multi-Million Dollar Sprint Center, in downtown Kansas City, is built & has been ready to house a NBA franchise for nearly a decade. In addition, the success of Sporting KC, the Royals, and Chiefs this year has shown the rest of this country that Kansas City is an absolutely rabid sports town — with the potential to be one of the best NBA fan bases in the league. 

More importantly: the fans’ loyalty to their teams suggests they have the potential to be one of the most profitable fan bases in the league — if, let’s say, a NBA owner has the opportunity to move their struggling franchise to another city in 2017.

How do you think Mussolini convinced millions of innocent Italians to rally around his insane Fascist Party movement? He manipulated the media, and drilled millions of propaganda impressions into everyone’s brains, while tip-toe’ing around “The Law”.

My point is: If the people of Kansas City see enough signs from the Bucks front office that they want to move to their city — KC citizens will not only start believing it, but, embrace it. This Photoshop error from the Bucks’ Twitter account is the foundation and first step to achieving this brainwashing.

It’s not a matter of if the Bucks are moving to Kansas City — it’s when.

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Photo Review of the Weekend in Football

Let’s take a look back at the best signs and moment from Football Action this weekend…

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Darren Rovell will never NOT be a nerd. Oh, by the way: I’M TELLING YOUR EMPLOYER ABOUT THIS, DARREN. YOUR BRAND IS SO SCREWED.

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Women of Tinder Predict the 2014-2015 NBA Season

Instead of spending a month on in-depth, statistical-driven analysis to preview the upcoming NBA Season and all 30 teams … I went on ‘Tinder’ to get the opinions of completely random women. 

Here are the results:

Atlanta Hawks:

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POWER MOVE: Stanford Football Sends Recruits List Showing How Much More Stanford Grads Make Than Other Members Of The AP Top25:

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Boom Roasted.

What’s the average % of college football players who don’t make the NFL nowadays? 99%?

You know what that means? Once the fantasy world known as “college” ends, 99% of you are going to be regular schmucks — just like the rest of us.

Stanford is taking this concept next-level, and rubbing it in their competition’s face.

A couple of thoughts, though:

1) These salary average statistics clearly don’t include NFL players, because Alabama, USC, Notre Dame, etc. would wipe the floor with the rest of the schools (Don’t forget about how much these 3 schools are illegally paying their players under-the-table)

2) LOL, Wait a minute, you’re telling me the average student who graduates from East Carolina University makes 68,000 a year? In what, Yen?

3) Stanford’s average salary obviously skewed by the copious amount of serial web entrepreneurs who attended Stanford during the “dot com” boom, and sold multiple companies for a bazillion dollars — so, i’m going to call bullshit on the average Stanford graduate making $126,400. 

On the contrary, I don’t hate what Stanford is doing here. If you’re going to underachieve on the field every year, like Stanford does, just call the rest of the schools you’re competing against “Poor”. There is no come back.

"Yeah, you beat us fair and square. Nice win. You’re still poor."

Instead of putting roses in their mouths after winning the conference championship, Stanford is pretty much declaring: from this point forward, they’re going to hoist post-graduation offer letters from major banks — instead of trophies. How the hell are other schools supposed to defend themselves against this? Absolute GENIUS marketing. 

Moving on, why do people play football?

- Because they love being disabled at age 35? Nope.

- Because they enjoy debilitating concussions that will undoubtedly turn their brain into mush by age 50? Nope.

- Because they “Love the Game”? Eh, maybe.

- Because they can get paid A LOT OF MONEY in the NFL? YUP.

We all want to do something for a living that we love. Some of us want just enough money to not need a roommate to split rent/utilities with, be able to poop with the door open, get the brand name Frosted Mini Wheats instead of the grocery store-discounted version … you know — the important things in life. Long story short: a majority of the people in this country can’t afford to pursue their dreams, and Football provides an opportunity to fulfill both necessities.

Stanford knows this, and unless you are a 5-star All-American Football Player, or, want to go flip burgers for the rest of your life after college — their message is clear: choose Stanford.

P.S. Ole Miss, how on EARTH are you second-to-last? Where the hell are you getting all of that money to buy those bow ties and Brooks Brothers button-downs? The school right below you doesn’t even have enough money to buy condoms for its student body. (True Story).

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Rapper “Cam’ron” Prepares for the Ebola Outbreak WITH THE BEST INVENTION EVER

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Ok, maybe a mask isn’t an “Invention”, but, you know what? — neither are twenty-two inch rims … we have known about the “wheel” forever, and one day: someone decided to make it cool. If Homo Erectus cavemen wanted to look fly as hell driving their dinos down the street, they would have thought of spinners. They didn’t — therefore, I am officially crowning this Cam’ron idea the “Spinners” of Face masks.

We live in a society where everything has to be “different” to be “fashionable”, and Cam’ron just did what Cam’ron does best: took fashion aficionado’s little plan, and turned it on itself. Look what he did to Instagram with a few drops of ink and a surgeon’s mask — a REVOLUTION. 

Do you think Ebola really has the balls to infect Cam’ron, while he’s got this mask on? HELL NO, dude is intimidating as FUCK looking like the “Boyz ‘N Da Hood” equivalent of ‘Master Chief’ from “Halo”. Now that I think about it, this is the cure to Ebola right here — no antidotes needed, just scare the shit out of the virus with your mask art. It will run back to its mommy after it sees your wearable Gang Graffiti. 

What a friggin GENIUS idea. I’m with you, Cam’ron, if we’re all going to die of Ebola — we sure as hell should die looking good. 

SO mad I didn’t think of this myself.

While I can’t say I thought of it, I did come up with some of my own ‘fashionable’ designs to “Scare Ebola Away” — Check out my new clothing line below:

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Amare Stoudemire Now Bathes in Red Wine — This Means Only One Thing: THE KNICKS ARE BACK!

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via.FanDuel —

"What the heck is the benefit from taking a bath in red wine? Sounds pretty comical, but it’s actually a real thing and it’s called vinotherapy. Eric Freeman of Yahoo! Sports detailed some of the benefits as shifting cellulite, improving circulation and invigorating the body overall.

Since starting in 78 games in his first season with the Knicks during 2010-11, injuries have prevented him from starting in more than 47, including just 21 starts over the past two years. He may not ever be the dominant player in the paint again he was with the Phoenix Suns, but he’s in the final year of the max contract and will be looking for another deal once his age-31 season is in the books.”

Hey guys, no big deal or anything … but, THE PHOENIX HAS RISEN FROM THE ASHES (see what I did there? That’s what the adults call a ‘Pun’.)

So, this obviously means that Amare Stoudemire has miraculously reverted back to 2006 form — dunking on people like he was “On Fire” in NBA Jam, right? 

Not.

What kind of wine do you think he’s bathing in? If you’re going to instagram out a selfie of you lounging in a tub of vino to millions of people, all I know is that it better not be Franzia — otherwise some dickhead like Darren Rovell is going to investigate/find out, and tweet about how much the picture hurts your brand.

What are the “unwritten rules” of this? Is it socially-acceptable to drink the wine, while you’re sitting in it? Or is that “gross”? Don’t judge me for taking a couple gulps when no-one is looking — doesn’t alcohol kill all the germs anyway? 

Listen, Amare has enough difficulty doing things sober like catching/locating the ball on defense — let alone guarding it: 

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The last thing the Knicks need is him getting drunk in his wine bath, before a big game. 

On the contrary, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea? Everyone has that friend who is always like: “Dude, let me drive — i’m a better at driving drunk than sober…” — Amare can totally take this concept and apply it to basketba … bahahah ok, i’ll just stop.

Seriously though: Amare has had so many surgeries, “Vinotherapy” isn’t going to do anything. He’ll need to drink the entire tub to not feel those 37 ACL tears and laser eye procedures. 

Before I go on, here’s the thing with Amare: he resurrected basketball in New York City. For a friggin’ DECADE, the Knicks were the laughing stock of the NBA (They still kind of are, but, for different reasons that us NYK fans can at least support). Eastern Conference cellar year-in-and-year-out, HORRIBLE/Salary Cap-Crippling contracts that ever prevented them from rebuilding, and a management team that makes Stalin’s USSR look like Eutopia.

Then, the Summer of 2009 came and it was the “Dream Team” Free Agent Class … LeBron, Wade, Bosh, Dirk, Amare, Joe Johnson, etc… The Knicks FINALLY had done something right, and cleared their salary cap in anticipation of this off season.

They whiffed. On everyone. 

Who was left? The “fresh off surgery”, uninsured Amare Stoudemire — who, to his credit, was still dominant at the time … but, clearly declining due to severe health concerns. The Knicks unloaded the bank, the Madison Square Garden mortgage, the 401k — everything they had — into his contract. 

Despite it being a long-term albatross, what the signing did for the Knicks was set a precedence that: HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT — IT’S KIND OF COOL TO PLAY IN NYC AGAIN!

What did Amare do, once signed? Only averaged 20 PTS and 10 REB per game, every night, and absolutely CARRIED the Knicks to a playoff spot. Most importantly: his MVP-worthy performance opened the door for Carmelo Anthony to force his way to NY. Carmelo saw the potential with Amare (at the time), and you know what? — i’m not mad about the gigantic contract … we would never have gotten Carmelo, !actually won a playoff series!, and been somewhat relevant without him and his performance in the fall/winter of 2009.

He may be a shadow of his old self, but, guess what, guys — the Wine Bath is WORKING!!! Stoudemire’s athleticism is clearly BACK … and so are our New York Knickerbockers!

Oh, you’re not a believer in Wine Baths being the new steroids? How about some video proof — Amare is jumping-out-of-the-gym this preseason … IN YOUR FACE, HATERS!!

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Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you: THE GREATEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME OF ALL-TIME

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Holy. Shit.

I legitimately stared at this for a few seconds, and began to question what all the hysteria was about… Like, what’s the big deal? It’s just a chick wearing a shirt with a Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtOH MY GOD THAT’S HER BODY IM DEAD HELP.

My oh my, Raphael, you really let yourself go after your last movie went straight to DVD — didn’t you? 

There are so many things I love about this — first of all, this chick just owns it. If you scroll to the word “Dedication” in the Dictionary, this picture is right next to the definition. In a world where “image” is everything, it’s nice to see someone just throw a middle finger up to the “Here is my baby sleeping, please support how cute it is by liking this status!” Facebook people/”Look at how much fun im having on my beautiful vacation that you should be jealous about” Instagram People. 

This chick knows what hand she’s been dealt, and she doesn’t plan on folding. 

Secondly, I love how only half of her boob is covered with paint. Like, she obviously thought spending an hour lathering herself with neon green paint was a good idea — she couldn’t get off the couch for 2 seconds, to fill in the blanks, before taking the picture? She’s Part-Time YOLO, Part-Time DGAF — and I respect the hell out of that. 

Some questions I have: Does she have friends who did this for Leonardo, Donatello, and Michaelangelo too? When she walks around, does she hold her stomach in place — to stay in character? If so, how does she wield her Twin daggers? Does the roll of skin plummet to the floor and reveal a “COWABUNGA, DUDE!” message, written in sharpie?

This costume is obviously an ‘A’, but, i’m only giving it an A+ if there is a piece of pizza hidden inside the turtle’s mouth — you gotta remember: for those of us who religiously watched the cartoon on Saturday mornings, growing up, it’s always “PIZZA TIME!”

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Women of Tinder Predict the 2014-2015 NBA Season

Instead of spending a month on in-depth, statistical-driven analysis to preview the upcoming NBA Season and all 30 teams … I went on ‘Tinder’ to get the opinions of completely random women. 

Here are the results:

Atlanta Hawks:

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Chris Kaman Has His Own Reality Show, and You Know What? IT LOOKS AWESOME.

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via The Oregonian —

"Chris Kaman is both an unlikely millionaire and sports star. The 7-foot NBA All Star grew up in a working class, Michigan family, and has no interest in spending his money on nightclubs, fine dining or luxury cruises. Instead, he spends his time off the court shooting guns, racing four-wheelers, setting off fireworks of questionable legality and dragging his oddball entourage along on wild, occasionally dangerous misadventures.

'Exploring Kaman' follows Kaman and his buddies on one such adventure as they sail from Los Angeles to Central America on a 62-foot fishing boat named 'Sasquatch' after the hirsute Kaman's NBA nickname. Kaman has one goal: to catch a 1,000 lb. Blue Marlin. However, with little professional guidance and the strong, clashing personalities of his companions, he finds himself on an adventure wilder and weirder than he could have prepared for.”
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Move over ‘Game of Thrones’, ‘Breaking Bad’, ‘Boardwalk Empire’… There’s a new front-runner for “Best Drama” in town! 
Let’s break down some key quotes in this press release:
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Chris Kaman is both an unlikely millionaire and sports star.”
- What do you mean he’s an unlikely sports star? Check out this dedication to his craft, you don’t make it to the pros unless you have relentless work ethic: image

"He has no interest in spending his money on nightclubs, fine dining or luxury cruises."

- So, you’re telling me that a handsome, well-groomed man such as this does not like nice things/have expensive taste? I don’t believe you.image

"Instead, he spends his time off the court shooting guns, racing four-wheelers, setting off fireworks of questionable legality and dragging his oddball entourage along on wild, occasionally dangerous misadventures."

- A pyro redneck shooting his gun from an ATV like he’s General Robert E. Lee at the battle of ‘Gettysburg’ — WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?

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“‘Exploring Kaman’ follows Kaman and his buddies on one such adventure as they sail from Los Angeles to Central America on a 62-foot fishing boat named ‘Sasquatch’ after the hirsute Kaman’s NBA nickname.”

I mean, if you have millions of dollars and look like a clone of the Sasquatch from the “Jack Link’s Beef” commercials, you obviously have to buy a boat and name it ‘The Sasquatch’. This is Sasquatch 101 stuff.image

"Kaman has one goal: to catch a 1,000 lb. Blue Marlin. However, with little professional guidance and the strong, clashing personalities of his companions, he finds himself on an adventure wilder and weirder than he could have prepared for."

Chris Kaman? Weird Adventures? You don’t say…. Speaking of Weird Adventures, if Nickelback, Creed, and Guy Fieri had an orgy together — this is probably what the baby would look like:

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"Shortly after Chris Kaman rips a gigantic eyeball out of a fresh fish and shoves it into his mouth — presumably to eat it raw — he sits down for a one-on-one interview”

- I don’t know about you guys, but, I am clearing my schedule when this show debuts.

(Source: worldwidewob)